That's A Punchable Face
I used to be known as an instigator. Over the years, I’ve worked on shedding that image.
In third grade, I became friends with Taylor. We met in class, and started having playdates outside of school. I know, adorable. Taylor was one of the first people I found that was both a rival and a friend: we had similar goals, but he pushed me in antagonistic ways to reach them. I didn’t really understand the nature of our relationship, so I just put him in the category of friends. It was only years later that I recognized the underlying tension for what it was. Despite the constant proverbial tug-of-war, we had a lot of fun together, usually trying to beat each other at Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, all while Taylor would belt out Bette Midler’s “Blueberry Pie.” I have no idea why he liked that song, but he sang it all the time.
The next year, Taylor and I again had the same teacher. We had graduated from the Kindergarten through 3rd grade school, and found ourselves on the first rung of the 4th to 6th grade Elementary ladder. In this new environment, we had more responsibility: the most important one (in all of our eyes) was that the whole class was required to maintain an orderly line while walking through the hallways. This feat was accomplished only through the stringent use of Line Leaders and Cabooses: the Leader was responsible for keeping us on the right path, and the Caboose was responsible for shutting off lights and closing the door. This was a badge of honor for ten year olds, which earned us the right to treat other students like peasants. The serfs lined up one by one, not allowed to break rank or pass the Leader as we moved from one classroom to the next. We also had to stop for other lines of students making their way to and from their electives. I think they were trying to teach us about commuting and traffic jams even when we were kids. Little did I know that was the most useful part of my elementary education.
One day on the way to art class, I lined up behind Taylor. As we made our way to the staircase, we paused to wait for another class to pass by. As we waited for what felt like forever, I thought of ways to keep myself occupied. At the time, it was popular to trick someone by tapping them on the shoulder, then passing them on the other side when they turned their head. Given the nature of my rivalry with Taylor, I decided this was the perfect trick to play while we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Taylor was having a conversation with the person in front of him, and I knew that since he was distracted, this prank would be even more successful. I waited for the right moment to tap his right shoulder, and when he turned, I passed him on the left, successfully placing myself in front of him in line. It took him a moment to notice. Perfect execution.
Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Not wanting him to pull the same prank on me, I turned around completely to face him head-on. I expected him to say something mean or try to move around me. Instead, he reared back, and punched me right in the face.
I was shocked. I considered what I had done to Taylor to be pretty mild and low consequence. His “trick” had me immediately tasting blood. I was in utter disbelief. I didn’t know what to do or say, and I didn’t want to escalate things further, so I laughed it off like it was just a joke. It really didn’t hurt, so I decided to let it go, and we apologized to each other for our respective transgressions. A few moments later, our line started to move again, and we finally made it to the art room. As we waited to enter, my teacher noticed that my mouth was bleeding, and asked what had happened. I was so nervous that I would somehow get in trouble for instigating a “fight,” I panicked and told her it was entirely Taylor’s fault for punching me in the face.
Instead of painting in art class that day, Taylor and I sat across from each other in the principal’s office writing apologies. It seemed ridiculous since we had already apologized to each other on our own, and because I really hadn’t initially thought about telling on him. I wish I had just said that I bit my lip, and kept the authorities out of it. Taylor and I wrote the silly letters, went back to class, and continued on with our lives as if it never happened. We remained friends, rivals, frenemies, whatever, for a long time after that, never really bringing it up again. I definitely didn’t think I deserved what happened, but sometimes life smacks you in the face. The best thing you can do is roll with the punches, and accept that Taylor is the kind of person you would rather have on your side than against you. And of course, try not to have a punchable face.
Anyways, here’s my recipe for blueberry pie.
Ingredients:
I hadn’t ever made a blueberry pie before this. Growing up, I helped my mom make more than a few apple pies. Apple pie was a staple in our house. Sure, we’d occasionally get peach or strawberry-rhubarb cobbler, but rarely another kind of pie. Don’t feel bad: We didn’t suffer too much. That being said, the crust I made is the family recipe, and the blueberry filling is what I could come up with after talking to the pie maker (mom) and experimenting a few times. If at first you don’t succeed, eat two blueberry pies in a week! Trust me, the second one was way better.
Crust
¾ Cup Crisco
2 ¼ Cups Flour (You’ll need some extra when you roll the dough)
7 Tbsp Ice Cold Water (Give or take)
Filling
5 Cups fresh Blueberries
1 Cup Sugar
½ tsp Salt
2 ⅓ Tbsp (7 tsp) Corn Starch
¼ Cup Water
2 tsp Lime Juice
1 Tbsp Butter
1 Egg
1 Tbsp milk
Equipment:
Nothing too crazy here, but you will need a pie dish. Obviously. It’s also going to be a huge help if you have a wide saucepan, or saute pan, or anything big you can put on the stove and that holds things. As always, improvise where you need to. BE VERSATILE.
9 Inch Pie Dish
Saucepan
Large Bowl
Small Bowl
Wooden Spoon
Fork
Spatula
Rolling Pin
Brush
Active prep total: 40 minutes
Clean up: 15 minutes
Bake Time: 25 minutes
Pies can be intimidating, but they shouldn’t be. Take your time, follow the steps, and you will get to your sweet, flaky destination. This recipe took me a little while to make, but I was able to make the best blueberry pie I’ve ever had. Is it because I made it? Maybe, but nothing tastes better than delusions of grandeur. Trick yourself and your friends into thinking you’re the best baker on the block. Who knows, maybe you will be!
Instructions:
I started by making the filling. Put your saucepan on medium heat, and add the ¼ cup water, 1 cup sugar, ½ tsp salt, 2 ⅓ Tbsp cornstarch. Mix it together until the clumps of cornstarch disappear, then add 2 ½ cups of your blueberries. Bring it to a boil, and stir for about two minutes until the mixture thickens and takes on a deep purple color. Alright, hold tight! Remove from the heat and stir in your final 2 ½ cups of blueberries, 1 Tbsp butter, 2 tsp lime juice. This will give the filling the right consistency and keep some of the blueberries intact for a better eating experience. It’s all about the mouthfeel.
While the filling cools, it’s time to make the dough! Add 2 ¼ cups flour to your large bowl, then dump ¾ cup Crisco on top of that. Use your fingertips to work the flour and Crisco together, like a little dough massage. It will start to clump together in different-sized… clumps. Continue kneading until all the raw flour has combined with the Crisco in some capacity, either as small beads or large clumps. Now, switch to using a fork and stir the mixture as you add one tablespoon of ice cold water. Continue stirring, adding one tablespoon of water at a time, until the dough forms one semi-cohesive mass-- like going to church with multiple preachers! Switch back to using your hands, and form your dough into a ball.
Now we make like Ludacris and roll out! Put half the dough on a well-floured surface, and then sprinkle flour on top of the dough as well as the rolling pin. Basically, use a lot of flour. Start rolling from the center out, rotating the dough to maintain the circular shape, until you have a thin layer that will fully cover the pan. If there are breaks in the dough, use some of the excess to fill in the thin or broken spots, much like you are using this pie to fill in the broken parts of your soul! The easiest way to transfer the dough to the pan is to loosely roll it onto the rolling pin, then sliding it off onto the pie dish. If anything is sticking, again, USE MORE FLOUR!!! The dough will need to be coaxed into the dish, so go around the edge, gently lifting the excess, and lightly push the dough to the bottom. We do not want to stretch the dough at this point. Use a knife to trim the excess.
Now we repeat the rolling process with the other half of the dough. When the dough is a beautiful thin circle, cut it into ¾ inch strips. I was able to get about 12 usable ones.
This is a good time to PREHEAT THE OVEN to 425°F.
Now, it’s time to bring it all together! Add the filling to the pie crust and get ready to lattice! Evenly space 6 strips of dough across the top of your pie horizontally. Pull back every other strip, and lay a new strip perpendicularly across the pieces that are still down. Replace the strips that were folded back, then fold back the ones that were laid down. Lay another perpendicular strip. Continue this process of replacing, pulling back, and laying strips until the lattice is complete. Finally, trim the excess, and use your fingers to crimp the edge together all the way around the pie. It took some effort, but it’s beautiful! You did that!
Use a fork to combine the egg and 1Tbsp milk in a bowl. Brush the lattice with the egg and milk mixture. This will help crisp up the top of the pie to golden brown perfection. You don’t have to do the edge of the pie, as that will turn brown on its own.
Pop this bad boy in the oven for 25 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown. Pull it out, and experience the aroma of perfection. Give it a little while to cool down, as the pie will be like molten lava when it’s hot. Giving it a few hours in the refrigerator will also help it solidify and make for a great presentation.
Are you serious? You made that!! You took all that pain and confusion, and whipped it into a little slice of ambrosia worthy of the greek gods. Take a bite, or a dozen, and let the comfort of your own creation take over. You might even feel so good, you start spiraling upward into happiness, success, and a long prosperous life. Reach out to Taylor, and wish him luck saving the world and having a positive impact on others. Hopefully, he’s using his powers for good. Invite him over for a friendly game of THPS 1+2 Remake, and a slice of pie. He might even sing you some Bette Midler. Just don’t sit within arm’s reach!
