Pokémon, I Steal You!
When I was a kid, I was obsessed with Pokemon. Some would say too obsessed. I remember looking at a card display and saying out loud, to no one in particular, “I will never let Pokemon go out of business.” Turns out, they haven’t exactly needed my help.
My obsession with the tiny elemental monsters encompassed the video games, the animated show, the movies, and the trading card game. I spent hours on the late-90s internet looking at cards and trying to figure out how to assemble the best team. I begged my parents to bring me to Newbury Comics so I could use my allowance (a princely $2.35/week) to get closer to being a Pokemon Master! But, my appetite was bigger than my wallet: I couldn’t afford the quality cards I wanted. Unless I won the lottery, I would never catch ‘em all.
My friend, Tyler, had a much larger allowance than mine. Between him and his brother, Neal, they had almost every Pokemon card in existence. They kept the cards in binders-- beautiful plastic sleeves with vibrant, colorful, cardboard rectangles displayed therein. I still remember seeing Neal’s holographic Charizard and thinking that he ruled the world. But, he didn’t play with them.
To me, the entire point of getting the cards was to duel these creatures against each other, but stupid Neal stuck every one of his precious cards in the binders! My resentment grew every time he showed me his continuously growing collection, trapped in obscurity. Even though I had some valuable cards, I could never get a trade on the table because he already had the same ones! Imagine trying to trade Aaron Rodgers to the Packers. They’ve already got one! I viewed this situation as a personal affront, and resolved to take justice into my own hands.
It was actually a pretty stupid plan. One day while I was over at their house, Neal was yet again showing me his collection. I saw the revered holographic Charizard and knew that Neal would notice immediately if it went missing. At least I had some logic. Instead of foolishly reaching for the holy grail, I decided to snag the far less-coveted Venusaur card that was a little ways down the page. Venusaur is the pokemon equivalent of a salad-- an utterly unsatisfying side dish that’s just there to round out the experience. Charizard by comparison is a bone-in ribeye, and could likely distract from the “grass” type’s disappearance. In my 7-year-old brain, it was a perfect plan.
I waited until Tyler and Neal were in another part of the house, snuck over to the Pokedex binder, and carefully pulled the card out with the satisfaction akin to successfully picking a huge crusty booger. Adrenaline pulsed through my body, and a sense of ecstasy along with it. I think I heard angels sing. I tucked Venusaur safely in my pocket, and hid my excitement from the brothers until my mom came to pick me up. The heist had gone off without a hitch and my mind was at ease. It was like being a drug mule after getting past airport security. I would imagine. Not that I’ve ever done that. Allegedly.
I followed up my genius plan with another stroke of brilliance: I showed off the card as soon as we got home. I told my mom that I had traded some of my cards to get it, and she knew little enough about the world of Pokemon that she believed me. FOOL! A few minutes later, the phone rang. It was Tyler and Neal's mom calling to ask if there was any way I had “accidentally” taken the card. Yeah, as accidental as the time I “forgot” to invite that jerk Mike to my 8th grade birthday party. Neal told his mom that he had shown me his collection and one of his prized cards had gone missing only a few hours later. Who could possibly have seen this coming?
Sure, the heist had gone according to plan, but I hadn’t realized how soon the forensic team would figure me out. I fessed up to the crime and admitted my lie. My mom was a little upset but thankfully she didn't punish me in the ways I was imagining: I wasn't grounded forever, she didn't take all my cards and burn them, and I didn't even have to wash dishes until my hands bled. Instead, she took the time to teach me about the dangers of dishonesty and taking advantage of people you care about. At the time, I knew what I did was wrong, but I didn’t understand that I was risking friendships by putting so much value in a trading card game. The next day I returned the card, and apologized to Tyler and Neal. They took it pretty well, forgave me, and we remained friends after that. I learned a great lesson in how to treat your friends, and my Pokemon cards suffered forever after that. As you probably already guessed, I was not the best that ever was.
Anyways, here’s my recipe for a salad.
Ingredients:
Salad has spent too long as just a side dish. At least, for me it has. This time around, salad will be the main course! Years ago, I settled for Venusaur instead of Charizard, and got burned! Today we redeem those misteaks. See what I did there? Of course you did, because I spelled it out for you. You would’ve gotten it anyways, you genius.
Salad
Kale
Bell Peppers (use the colorful ones! In this case, not green)
Matchstick Carrots
Avocado
White Onion
Feta Cheese
Raspberries
Dressing
¼ Cup Lemon Juice
¼ Cup Olive Oil
½ tsp Salt
¼ tsp Black Pepper
1 tsp Whole Grain Dijon Mustard
1 tsp Honey
Equipment:
Finally, I am bringing you a recipe with NO cooking involved. If you have a knife, you’re in good shape. Otherwise, you just need some measuring cups, patience, and one perfectly tragic memory to reflect on. If you don’t have any tragedy, mine will make a fine substitution.
Veggie cutter (knife)
BIGG OL BOWL™
Fork
Active prep total: 20 minutes
Clean up: 5 minutes
This is how you stay healthy. Sure, I eat a lot of desserts, but I also shove fruits and veggies in my fruit and veggie hole like my life depends on it. IT DOES. Eating like this will give those hard working arteries a break from all the poison you’ve been consuming. Oh, you like how meat makes you feel full? THEN ADD MORE KALE! Sorry, my dad used to yell at me about eating healthy, and I don’t mean to take it out on you. I just want you to be healthy. You matter.
Instructions:
I used a BIGG OL BOWL™. It was big. Get your BIGG OL BOWL™, and throw handfuls of kale in there until you think, “That’s enough for three side salads.” Add a little more.
Time to cut some peppers. For the love of god make sure you washed them first because I'm guessing you didn't get organic. Start by cutting around the stem, and pulling it out with the inside seeds attached. Throw that nasty crud away. Then cut it down the sides, remove the remaining seeds and white pithy grossness, and any black spots or mold. That stuff just ain’t delicious. Cut the pristine pepper flesh into long strips. Place elegantly in the BIGG OL BOWL™. Use half of each pepper, and stick the rest in the fridge for another time, and another salad.
Get out a white onion, and cut it in half. Cut one of those halves in half. Keep one half of one half, refrigerate the rest. Dice the one half of one half. Take your time, make that stuff small. If you don’t know how, just make little cuts a lot. You’ll get there. Then throw that artfully in the BIGG OL BOWL™.
Matchstick carrots. This one is easy. They sell bags of these at the store, so place as many as you think you can eat in the, yes, BIGG OL BOWL™.
Get your (almost definitely not, they never are) ripe avocado , and cut it in half around the pit. It’s probably either totally brown and rotten, or such a vibrant shade of green it’s still attached to the tree. Suck it up trooper. If it’s perfect, you wasted all your luck for the year. Good for you! Separate it, and stick whichever half has the seed stuck in it in the fridge. This will not brown as easily, provided it still has green to lose. Cut the half without the seed into strips. Channel your inner designer, and place the avocado in the bowl. Oh, right, the BIGG OL BOWL™.
Rinse raspberries, toss precariously in the bowl. DON’T DO THAT. PLACE THEM WITH CARE LIKE A MOTHER BIRD BUILDING A NEST. Salad is all about feng shui.
Time for cheese. You can sprinkle some crumbled feta, or crudely shred a block of it using a fork. I did the latter, and rained little bits of cheesy goodness on top of my salad.
Now we make dressing! Cut a lemon in half, and carefully squeeze until you have ¼ cup. The tricky part is to keep the seeds from making it into your dressing. Citrus seeds are awful. Looking at you, oranges.
Mix in a ¼ cup olive oil, ½ tsp Salt, ¼ tsp Black Pepper, 1 tsp Whole Grain Dijon Mustard, 1 tsp Honey, and stir until it’s well incorporated. The oil and lemon juice will stay separated for the most part. That’s a science lesson for another day.
Pour a reasonable amount of dressing on top (you be the judge). This is where it all comes together, as the sweet, sour, and acidic dressing will bring out the vegetable flavors while complimenting the sweetness of the raspberries. It’s like at thanksgiving when all your family members compliment one another. OH MY GOSH, FINE! Your family doesn’t get along, but these flavors absolutely will.
Now you’ve done it. You made your Venusaur into a Charizard, and didn’t even have to steal anything along the way! The metaphor might be falling apart, but I know eating this bowlful of health will make you feel as good as admitting you lied and keeping your friends in your life. All that’s left to do is toss the salad and get the flavors partying! Invite Tyler and Neal: you do owe them some party favors.
