Unsolicited Parenting Advice
Have you ever said something stupid, but no one corrected you? And then you spent 5 months doubling down on the same, awful statement? I hope you learn from my mistakes.
Back in 2018, the company I worked for was bought out, and I began looking for a job. Good old corporate takeovers! A few companies granted me the privilege of an interview, one of which would eventually lead to a job offer. My interviewer and future boss, Eric, was tough to read at first, but we settled into a rhythm talking about the business and personal interests. I was worried I hit the third rail when I touched the subject of our football teams’ divisional rivalry, but Eric started happily ribbing my team of “cheaters” and I knew we were going to make it. Yes, he is a fan of the Bills, and I am a fan of the GOAT.
Working with Eric has been pretty helpful to my career. We have similar personalities, but his approach to the office environment has been tempered by years of trying to figure out what really works. I tend to be “too direct,” ruffling feathers with my penchant to speak inconvenient truths, and defend my words to upper management. In my mind, this approach gets things changed quickly and for the better. In reality, people see me as arrogant and unfriendly; a “know-it-all.” Eric has caught on to these tendencies, and gives me advice on how to get people to see my side of things, rather than alienate them. Basically mind control. I’m still a work in progress, but I do find people are quicker to agree when I soften some of my statements in kinder words or tone. How am I only realizing this now? Did I miss a lesson in preschool?
Eric and I, and the rest of our team, have very candid relationships. We joke about almost everything, and have a weekly “match up” email, asking who would win unlikely battles; “The Genie vs the Fairy Godmother,” “Robin Hood vs Hawkeye,” and “a Jedi vs a T-Rex”. In general, I like to exaggerate in comedic ways to help make my point, or at least entertain my coworkers. That kind of levity seems to be appreciated and reciprocated. Humor runs through everything, so I can’t always tell when to shut it off.
I had another lesson in my behavior when Eric announced he had his third child on the way. We showered him with the typical congratulations, and then tried to guess what his future kid would be named. No matter what we said, Eric was adamant about not telling anyone. Expecting parents won’t tell you what they are going to name their babies for a number of reasons, primarily because people will make fun of the name, or tell you how much they hate it. Most people won’t make fun of a baby’s name when attached to an adorable angel, but they will give unsolicited, aggressive opinions beforehand. I was, unwittingly, one of those people.
While my coworkers guessed names they thought would be cute, I told my boss which names I thought were terrible, and therefore should not be given to his baby. In particular, I complained about “old names,” like Dorothy, or Helen. If a name was popular in 1920, I probably complained about it, but the one name I kept harping on was Margaret, and the nickname “Maggie.” The first time I “joked” about Maggie was the day of the announcement. “Anyone who would give that name to a child wants their kid to be bullied.” I would go on to repeat my barbs every workday for the next five months. As my coworkers tried to guess the name, Eric would make a few disguised comments about how someone kind of guessed the right name, but wouldn’t say more than that. It never crossed my mind that I might be the person who “guessed” it, and that I had been poking more than my fair share of fun at his unborn child.
After a few months, Eric was out for paternity leave, and sent out the birth announcement. I was excited for Eric and his family, but also excited to finally see what they named the baby! Moments later, my feeling of excitement turned to dread and then regret as I learned that he was calling this bundle of joy “Maggie.” I was beyond embarrassment. I turned redder than sun poisoning. My coworkers ribbed me incessantly, and told me I should look for a new job. Eric even sent me a separate email which also playfully told me my job was at risk. I apologized immediately, and then repeated my regrets as many times as I had made fun of the name. Thankfully, he was kind enough not to fire me, and I got another lesson in how big my mouth is. If only I could keep it shut.
Anyways, here is my recipe for a double cheeseburger.
Ingredients:
In my opinion, this is one of the best burgers ever, and I don’t care if you disagree. You are free to enjoy any of the twelve thousand variations on the classic. This is mine. Deal with it, or go make a burger the same way you were going to anyways. Maybe you misheard me: I DON’T CARE. You should note that these burgers are huge. Even I could barely take a full bite, so keep that in mind when you decide how large you want the patties to be.
Burgers
1½ lbs 80% lean Ground Beef
1 Egg
1 Tbsp Cumin
1 tsp Paprika
1 tsp Garlic Powder
1 tsp Oregano
1 tsp Salt
½ tsp Ground Mustard
Accessories
¼ lb Yellow Cheddar Cheese
2 Brioche Buns
1 Sweet Onion (Vidalia)
Romaine Lettuce
Whole Grain Dijon Mustard
Equipment:
This is a short list of items, and you are almost guaranteed to have them. If not, then improvise! I keep saying it, the best tool you have in the kitchen is YOUR BRAIN. So use it. Tool.
Large Bowl
Square Skillet (or pan)
Spatula
Plate
Big Spoon (optional, but not really)
Active prep total: 8 minutes
Bake time: 9 minutes
Clean up: 10 minutes
This is probably one of the more simple recipes I’ve made, and that’s great! We should be thankful that some things take less time to make than a cinnamon roll, and still make us happy. You deserve happiness. I know! You should make a delicious burger for yourself! You already are? Then keep going, champ!
Instructions:
Put 1½ pounds of ground beef into a bowl large enough to work the spices into the meat. Add the 1 Tbsp cumin, 1 tsp paprika, 1 tsp garlic powder, 1 tsp oregano, 1 tsp salt, ½ tsp mustard, and egg to the bowl. Use a spoon to mix the spices and egg into the beef, until everything is evenly distributed. You can use your hands to mix the beef, but the heat from your hands will cause the fat to melt and make your burger a little less enjoyable. Or, you can put in the extra work and make them amazing. You made it to this point, you might as well use the big spoon. We all need some big spoon in our life.
When the spices and egg are mixed in, use the spoon to make 4 equal sized balls of ground beef, and place them on a plate. Then, use the spoon to flatten each beef ball into a patty! The egg will help keep the ground beef together before and after the patties are cooked. Eggs are the glue of food! I always say that. Sometimes I talk in my sleep, just to say that.
Put your skillet on the stove just a click above medium temperature. You won’t need to oil the pan as the fat from the burger will be plenty to keep these burgers from sticking to the griddle.
This is also a good time to get the toppings out and ready to go. Slice up some onions and get the buns set out on plates for easy… plating. Wrote myself into a corner there.
Let them sizzle for 5 minutes, then flip and add a slice of cheese to the top of each burger to kickstart the meltiness. Cook them for another 3 minutes for MEDIUM WELL burgers. I don’t believe in cooking a burger anything less than medium, so don’t ask. You’ll just have to do some experiments on your own time.
The burgers are done! Stack a couple cheesy patties on your buns, and add that onion, lettuce, and mustard. Serve with your favorite fries or pickle, or nothing at all because this thing is a whole meal on its own.
As you break your jaw trying to get it around this cannonball of bread, meat, and cheese, remember what brought you here. Try not to say anything stupid, especially to your boss, and especially about their unborn child! Keep your very dumbest opinions to yourself, or get ready to trawl LinkedIn looking for a new job. Maybe you can flip burgers! After all, you did just get yourself some experience. Most importantly, remember you aren’t who you were yesterday, and you can learn from your mistakes. I’ve made a boatload of them. I once broke up with someone via text message! I learned that was a bad move, and never did it again. But that is a story for another time.
