Flying Too Close to the Sun
I’ve always been a sun-conscious beach goer, but occasionally I slip up. I’m only human.
I was working in New York one summer, and found myself looking for ways to escape the muggy and dense island of Manhattan. The city heat was suffocating, and every morning I was drenched in sweat by the time I made it to work. My perspiration would slowly evaporate over the course of the day, just in time to do it all again on my commute home. I felt like Sisyphus getting to the top of the mountain, only to have the boulder slip from my sweaty hands, and slide back to the bottom. Hold on, slip and slide? If only I had access to one of those.
I foolishly sought refuge from the heat along the shores of Rhode Island where I grew up. New England is notoriously hot and humid in the summer, but the many beaches offer a greatly appreciated escape. Don’t get me wrong, New York is great, but the surrounding water is poison. You might choose to die of thirst before ingesting whatever toxins can be found in the Hudson, and swimming, by extension, is also super grody. On the other hand, the beach I grew up going to is immaculate, far enough from the touristy areas to avoid foot traffic. When it comes to Rhode Island beaches, you don’t want to go to the same beach as everyone else. That beach is called Narragansett- it has its own charm and some great surfing, but is touristy, and frequently overcrowded. If you want to be threatened for “interfering” in a game of “drunken bro catch,” Narragansett is the place for you.
During one brutally hot week, I planned a weekend escape to Rhode Island, and invited some friends to join me. We made it out of the city, gathered our requisite food and drink, and spent that Friday night grilling and imbibing. I passed out pantless on the deck, and only moved to my bed after waking up to use the bathroom. At least I woke up. Early the next morning, we went to the beach to watch the sunrise and then stayed for hours. The sun, by definition, was not blaring down on us when we got there at dawn. I was also pretty hungover, so I geniously decided not to apply sunscreen. Very soon, you will come to see this as a bad move. After a good amount of swimming and soaking in the sun, we decided to get some pizza for a late lunch. We debated between two of my favorite places, and finally agreed eating was more important than arguing. The winner was the closer of the two options on Google Maps. We were hungry, and the reptile brain was screaming, “Food good. No food, bad.” This should have been a clue that my systems were not working correctly.
When we arrived, I was feeling pretty good. I could tell that my skin was pink, and that it would continue to redden even without direct sunlight, but I wasn’t in any pain. Just very thirsty. I downed a full glass of ice water as we ordered, and killed the refill after our waiter came around to top me off. I was basically shotgunning water, leading to a couple cases of brain freeze. If only I had the required equipment. I slowed down, but continued rehydrating steadily until the pizza arrived. Then I started to feel worse.
In just a couple minutes, I had devoured three pieces of delicious cheese and crust at a pace that would make Joey Chestnut proud. I sat back, content with my meal, but noticed my stomach hurt. Was it possible? Had I overeaten? In another minute, I would begin to feel terrible. My bad decisions were finally catching up to me. I excused myself to the small, one person bathroom in the restaurant, and tried to figure out what was happening to me. I will sometimes get a tingling sensation in my cheeks when I’m nauseous, which usually precedes getting sick. I was having these sensations all through my head and body, but I never actually heaved. I felt faint, weak, and a bit like I was having a panic attack. I decided not to die alone in that tiny bathroom, and returned to the table to recruit my friends in saving my life.
This is where my memory gets blurry, no alcohol required. I remember reaching the table with all eyes on me. Later, a friend would tell me that I looked like I was on autopilot. I might have been. I threw my credit card down for lunch, and said “Just sign for me, I’m going to wait in the car.” My buddy Chris came and sat with me, while I writhed in pain in the back seat. On the way home, and for hours lying in a pool of sweat on the ground at home, I was in and out of consciousness. It felt gross, like being seasick but without any means to get off the boat. This was a nightmare I wanted to wake up from.
I spent what felt like eternity in limbo, occasionally coming back to reality to sip water, until I felt at least close to normal. I fought my way upright to use the bathroom, and caught my lobstery reflection in the mirror. With my head finally clear again, I could see I had been broiled. My skin was already peeling, and I even had burns on my eyelids. I flashed back to a frozen pizza I once left in the oven for two hours by mistake. It was so burnt it was unrecognizable. I had become that pizza.
Most of my friends had left to go back to the beach, but a couple stuck around to help nurse me back to health. They were happy to see that I was alive, and I was thankful that they had been there in case things had gotten worse. We talked about what could have hit me that hard, and the unscientific answer we came up with was sun poisoning. I’m not a doctor, but it does sound consistent with what I learned to get my First Aid merit badge. I didn’t have any of the worst symptoms, but dehydration, nausea, dizziness, chills, and pain are no joke. If I ever see someone in the same condition, I am calling an ambulance. Sunscreen has become even more important to me, some would even call us brothers. Please, don’t ever let this happen to you or your friends. I promise, I have suffered enough for all of us.
Anyways, here’s my recipe for pizza.
Ingredients:
This is the best pizza you’ll ever make at home, but get the crossword puzzles ready, because you will have some time to kill. Also, don’t wear white in the kitchen. The splatter from this sauce will burn you and wreck your clothes. The dough recipe is from Bobby Flay, and the sauce is from Mike Greenfield of Pro Home Cooks. They are both great references for making pizza, but seriously, who needs them when you’ve got me? (Just kidding, I wouldn’t be where I am without them.) More importantly, you’ve got YOU, you champion.
Dough
4 cups Bread Flour
1½ tsp Salt
1½ tsp Sugar
1 envelope Instant Yeast
1½ cup Hot Water (110°F)
2 Tbsp Olive Oil for dough, and enough to grease a large bowl
Corn meal
Sauce
28oz can Crushed Tomatoes
6 cloves of Diced Garlic
3 Tbsp Olive Oil
1.5 tsp salt (rough estimate)
Toppings
8 oz Fresh Mozzarella
1 bunch Fresh Basil
A touch of Grated Parmesan
Equipment:
You don’t really need anything more than a saucepan and an oven. You should use a bowl for the dough, but hey, maybe you’re the Rambo of the kitchen. I won’t take that away, but here is what I recommend.
Saucepan
Big bowl (or two)
Spatula
Wooden Spoon
Ladle
Sheet pan or pizza stone
Plastic wrap
Active prep total: 30 minutes
Dough rising time: 90 minutes
Sauce time: 90 minutes
Pizza time: 20 minutes
Clean up: 15 minutes
Like I said, you’ll want to find something to do while waiting for the dough to rise and the sauce to simmer. I recommend video games; there’s enough time to win a couple battle royales, or even check on your island to make sure you got your seashells! If you don’t know what that means, then do a crossword, MOM! That being said, I love you, and thank you for your support. It’s all love. Let’s make pizza!
Instructions:
Start by making the dough. Get out a big bowl, and mix the 4 cups of bread flour, 1 ½ tsp salt, 1 ½ tsp sugar, and packet of yeast into the bowl. Stir it with a whisk until you see little yeast dots spread evenly throughout. You want them to have access to the flour and the sugar so they can do their best work!
Add the 2 Tbsp of oil and 1 ½ cup hot water to the dry ingredients, and mix with a spatula to get the yeast wet and warm. The hot water will activate the yeast, allowing it to turn your gross flour water into actual dough. The yeast knows it is on death row, and is using this time to party before it goes to the oven. It’s ok though, the yeast understands its sacrifice is in the pursuit of pizza. May we honor our fallen yeast.
When mixing with the spatula is beginning to seem worthless, start using your hands to mix the dough around, getting all the flour off the walls of the bowl and incorporated into your fledgling dough ball. Make sure all the flour is invited to this party, as it is close friends with the yeast and wants to give it a proper send off.
The dough will be done when it is tacky, but not sticky. If your dough is very wet, or adhering to everything, add in a little flour and rework it until your dough is tacky like the guy at my office who wears a clip on tie. Seriously, Stan, what are you doing? He might be a secret agent.
Now you will need to grease another large bowl with olive oil, or set your dough on a clean surface and clean the only big bowl you have, then oil it with olive oil. Place the dough ball in the oiled bowl, and cover the top of the bowl with plastic wrap. This is the first rise and will take about 45 minutes in a warm place. You’ll know it’s done because it’ll be HUGE! In the meantime...
Make some sauce! You’re already in the kitchen, and you haven’t made enough dirty dishes. You can use store bought sauce, but it isn’t good! Make it yourself and be a tomato champ. Get your saucepan (I am using a dutch oven, same idea) and put 3 tablespoons of olive oil in the bottom on low heat. Add in your 6 cloves of diced garlic, and let them fry slowly. Wonderful smells will waft throughout your apartment, and occasionally you will think you’ve died and gone to heaven. That’s ok. This is pizza.
When the garlic begins to brown, it’s splatter time! Add in your crushed tomatoes, then fill the tomato container halfway with water, and add that to the pan. Mix everything in the pan around, and leave it on low heat for an hour or so to simmer down, stirring every few minutes. At a low temperature, it isn’t at too much risk of burning, so just make sure to stir every once in a while, and make sure you aren’t wearing white! This ruined my favorite childhood sweatshirt, and now I feel awful. Not “sun poisoning” awful, but this is supposed to be a success story, not another failure.
After forty five minutes of simmering and Sudoku, it’s time to go back to the dough. Flour a work surface, spread a light amount of corn meal on your sheet pan, and split the puffed up dough in half. That’s right; you have enough dough to make TWO pizzas. Lucky you! Use the floured surface to form each dough mass into a ball, then place the dough masses side by side on the cornmeal pan. Cover in plastic wrap, and let these expand to become the dough butt you’ve always dreamed of.
Back to the sauce. Your sauce will be done when it is somewhere between solid and liquid. As you move your spoon through the sauce, it should fill in behind, but you should also be able to see the streaks where you waved your spoon. It’s a delicate balance, but getting it right will be a dream come true. Take the sauce off the heat, and add some salt until it is a perfect level of flavorful and tangy. I slowly added salt, tasting as I went to make the ideal sauce. I think it took about 1.5 tsp. If that isn’t enough, add more! Your tastes are unique, so figure out what works for you!
Once you have achieved a zen-like sauce, you are ready to make pizza. This is the right time to PREHEAT YOUR OVEN TO 500°F. You can make two pizzas now, or save some dough in plastic wrap for later. Just make sure it goes in the fridge. On the same floury surface, work your dough ball into a disc, taking care NOT TO CRUSH THE EDGES. I can’t stress this enough. I used to make pizza and shove dough into the corners of the pan to make a good crust. That is NOT how crust is made. You have a light, fluffy dough. Crust is the result of letting the outside of your dough disc stay inflated! You will be so glad you did this. Push down the center of your dough ball with your finger tips, leaving the edges inflated. Pick up the dough without smushing the edges, and drape it over a closed fist. Position both fists just under the crust edge, and let gravity pull the dough into shape as you move the dough over your hands. After a little while you will have a well-shaped dough with a fluffy crust! My crust had to be elongated to fit on the pan, so work with what you’ve got!
Now we’re getting somewhere. Spread some cornmeal on your pan or pizza stone, and place your dough gently on top; in my case I used the same cornmeal pan used for the second rise. You do not want the pizza to stick to the pan, or you will have a lot of clean up and very little pizza. When you have your dough in place, spoon some of that amazing sauce on top and make sure it is spread evenly-- enough to cover the dough without covering the edges, unless you like that! Cut your 8 oz of fresh mozzarella into slices, and place them evenly across the dough. Find some perfect basil leaves, and place them evenly on top. You can also paint your crust with some melted butter if you would like. Don’t be held down by the tyranny of big pizza chains! YOU TOO can have a buttery crust at home! Mmmmm. Delicious.
If you are keeping up (which you totally are, you beast), the oven should be ready to go! Pop your pizza in the middle rack, and check back after 8 minutes to make sure it's smelling as good as you dreamed about. It should be done after about 10 minutes, or when the crust is being all crusty, and the cheese has fully started to bubble. Oh pizza, you devilish vixen.
Pull that beautiful creation out of the oven, and try to wait a few minutes to protect your mouth. It is HOT. Cut it any which way you want, and add a little parmesan cheese if you care to. Parmesan to a pizza is what bacon bits are to a salad. Except pizza isn’t like salad; it’s way better.
Are you ready? Stop torturing yourself. Stop taking photos. You trudged through the tomato sauce swamp, you sliced your way through mozzarella jungle, you got broiled by the center of our solar system, and now you find yourself in pizza paradise. Sit and bask in that delicacy of youth, transformed into the nirvana of now. This is something to enjoy, even if you are sunburned beyond repair. You may not heal physically, but you can still patch that hole in your soul with just one bite of pizza. And you have the whole pie. Lucky you.
