Settle an Old Quarrel
It was the best cinnamon roll I’ve ever had, even if the person who made it got me fired.
I have changed a lot since high school. Back then, I had a job bussing tables and running food. It would be an understatement to say I didn’t fit the bill. I was young and hated authority, despite being the least experienced person on waitstaff. I thought I was god’s gift to humanity, but everyone else thought I was Napoleon Dynamite. It was my junior year of high school and I needed a job to afford the ever increasing expenses of life-- a personal finance lesson I have kept with me ever since. I put in an application at every restaurant in town that didn’t have a dollar menu, and only got one call back. I was immediately turned off from working there in the way you avoid any club that would have you as a member. But, I didn’t have any alternatives, and needed the money. After a couple interviews full of smiles and lies, I got the job.
It all started off pretty well. The work wasn’t difficult, I just had to do my responsibilities at the right time. First: I did prep work. I cleaned the floor and replaced the mats, threw dinner rolls in the oven, made sure garnishes were prepared, scooped butter into ramekins, prepared table settings, and so forth. It felt like an extension of chores. Then service started and I would bring rolls and drinks out to patrons, then meals, and anything else they asked for in between. When they left, I prepared the table for the next group. I had to work quickly, but none of this was rocket science. I’ve seen service dogs capable of more complicated task switching.
I would relive that exact cycle for months, with the exception of Sunday brunch. To customers it may have felt like magic, but it was really a bunch of lowlifes setting up and running a buffet. We brought out tables, chafing dishes, and carving stations, and then that wonderful combination of breakfast and lunch foods we revere as brunch; bacon, sausage, waffles, french toast, bread, omelettes, antipasto, salad, pasta, prime rib, and pastries. If I close my eyes and breathe deeply, I can conjure images of the angry patrons wondering why there wasn’t any fruit salad left. The only maintenance was to replenish whatever ran low, and smile while refilling that fruit salad. It was easy work, and the largest payday of my week. I’d put in a couple extra hours, but I would tip out close to two hundred dollars. It was my favorite work day. I was even slowly becoming a better employee, until Mother’s Day, when it all came crumbling down.
Mother’s Day brunch wasn’t like other Sundays. This time, the restaurant went all out with decorations and even an ice sculpture honoring our matronly patrons. The place was packed; I was busy trying to keep everything stocked, and crushing it. Between buffet management, helping waiters, and gritting my teeth through both disappointed and suggestive comments from perimenopausal women, everything was going great. That is until I stumbled into a mountain disguised as a molehill.
A beautiful older woman gestured for my attention, and asked me which cookies had nuts in them. She was looking at the dessert display, trying to figure out which would put a smile on her face, and which would throw her into anaphylaxis. A reasonable quandary. I made sure to specify if she was allergic to tree nuts or peanuts, and excused myself for what I thought would be a minute to ask the pastry chef. I popped into the kitchen and found her working a giant ball of dough, making some delightful treat for later on. I can’t stress to you enough, I was in a good mood. Money was coming in, I had a couple sweet rolls in me, and I was getting hit on by older women. I was living my own version of Katy Perry’s teenage dream.
I asked the pastry chef if any of the cookies had nuts in them, and she said only the peanut butter cookies had nuts. I should have stopped there, but I saw a problem. I tried to clarify if she was worried about trace amounts of tree nut contamination, and she said the concern was that it was pretty much chock full of peanuts. And right then a seventeen year old buffoon butted heads with a dessert professional more than fifteen years his senior who had no idea that peanuts did not grow on trees.
We went back and forth in heated competition for about four minutes, by which point I realized the cougar was still waiting for me back at the cookie table. I told the chef to shove a walnut and went back out to check, but the milfy matron had vanished. I didn’t see anyone choking to death or breaking out in hives, so I just let it go and continued working. I tried to avoid the pastry chef for the rest of the day, but occasionally caught her shooting me eye daggers. I ignored it, finished my shift, and clocked out, content knowing that I had brought in a treasure trove of hot mom money.
Three days later, I was playing pool basketball when I got a call from my manager. She told me I was being fired; It was unprofessional to argue with people at work, and I had caused a scene. I told her that people in their thirties shouldn’t tattle on people half their age, and that it wasn’t my fault the culinary school idiot didn’t know the difference between peanuts and tree nuts! Surprisingly, management stuck with their decision to fire me. I went back to playing basketball in a pool, with a smile on my face.
Just a couple weeks ago, that business closed permanently. I was a little sad I never went back there. I don’t hold any ill will toward them, except they let a pastry chef get away with not knowing the difference between peanuts and tree-nuts. I would think that is an important distinction for someone in a restaurant who needs to understand food allergies, especially if they work in pastries.
Anyways, here’s my recipe for Cinnamon Rolls.
Ingredients:
I saw the pastry chef make these a few times at the restaurant and have a rough idea of how to reproduce them on my own. However, this was a few years ago so I looked up 20 different recipes to see what rang a bell. I might be getting some of it wrong, but the buns came out great so I am not leading you into the wilderness. If you follow these instructions and consider that Chopped has a competition for children, YOU WILL SUCCEED at this recipe.
Buns
6 Tbsp Unsalted Butter (room temperature)
⅔ cup granulated sugar
1 egg (room temperature)
1 LB bread flour
1 packet of instant yeast (¼ oz)
½ tsp salt
½ cup whole milk (warmed to 100°F)
Peanut or other oil to line bowl
Filling
⅓ cup white sugar
½ cup brown sugar
2 Tbsp cinnamon
Frosting
8 Tbsp butter (room temperature)
8 oz cream cheese (room temperature)
1 ½ cup powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla
Equipment:
If you have a dough hook, you’re in good shape. I don’t have a dough hook, so I mixed this by hand, and felt the pastry chef laughing at me from the spirit world. I don’t think she died, so I’ll just assume it was astral projection. You can do this all with a whisk if you need to. Seriously, just try it.
Stand mixer
Big bowl
Rolling pin
9” x 13” pan (mine was pyrex)
Parchment paper
Active prep total: 68 minutes
Dough rising time: 120 minutes
Bake time: 20 minutes
Clean up: 25 minutes
Yeah, it takes a while, but it's magic. Do you think Cinnabon makes money because magic is easy? No. It isn’t easy. It takes careful ritual. It takes work. And it pays off because everyone loves these.
Making the dough: 40 minutes
Making the filling: 5 minutes
Rolling and cutting: 15 minutes
Baking: 20 minutes
Making the frosting: 8 minutes
Resting: 10 minutes
Instructions:
Start by using the whisk on your stand mixer to get the 6 Tbsp warm butter, ⅔ cup sugar, ½ cup warm milk, room temperature egg, ½ tsp salt, and yeast all familiar with each other. About 3 minutes on low to medium. Think of it as the ingredients speed dating.
Then add in the flour. You don’t have to do it slowly, but this is where you want to go with a different attachment or dough hook. I used the whisk and all my dough started to come together nicely, but then got stuck in the whisk. Fight through adversity. I scraped everything off the whisk attachment, and did the rest with my hands which came out very nice. Knead the dough for 10 minutes using either method. I could be wrong, I am not an expert.
The dough should be ready! Oil the big bowl with the peanut oil to get back at that pastry chef! But seriously, I use it because the flavor isn’t strong and doesn’t interfere negatively with the dough. Plop your dough in the bowl and cover with plastic. This will need to sit for 90 minutes for the yeast to do its work.
Now that we have some time, you can make the filling. There are differing opinions on melted butter vs soft butter vs no butter, but the no butter method tastes amazing and won’t leak out the bottom of the buns. So I’m sticking with the dry filling. Simply mix the ⅓ cup white sugar, ½ cup brown sugar, and 2 Tbsp cinnamon in a bowl.
I also pulled the cream cheese and butter out at this point to warm to room temperature.
Once the dough has risen, back to the hard work. Oil a surface to work the dough. You can use flour, but using oil will keep more moisture in the dough, and will have better results. Knead the air out of the dough, then roll it into a rectangle about 14” x 20” inches.
Spread your filling over the dough evenly, then roll the dough tightly along the long edge. Cut 1 inch off each side, then make divots in the dough to plan how thick you will cut each roll. I used this method to make 11 evenly cut rolls, so each was about 1.5 inches thick. Use a serrated knife, and make your dreams come true.
I then placed these into the oiled and parchment paper lined 9”x13” pan, with 4 across each long edge, and 3 in the open spaces in the middle. If that’s too confusing, they should be spaced the way the stars are spaced in the American flag.
Now, cover your pan with plastic wrap, and wait another 30 minutes for them to plump up. These bad boys will start to bump up against each other like EDC Vegas, and that means they are almost ready for the oven. Oh, while you’re waiting, preheat the oven to 375°F, and melt a couple tablespoons of butter in a small bowl. You can use a microwave, stovetop, or hairdryer. Anything above 90°F, but the microwave is quickest.
When the cinnamon boys are bumpin, brush the melted butter on the tops so they get a sweet tan at the bun beach. Throw them in the middle rack for 18-25 minutes. Start checking them at the 18 minute mark to see if they are the desired level of brown.
While the buns are cooking, make your icing. If you’re worried it will take a while, make it before you throw the buns in, but it won’t take long at all. You want the icing ready when the buns get out. Back to the standing mixer! Mix your 1½ cups of powdered sugar, room temp stick of butter, room temp package of cream cheese, and teaspoon of vanilla at medium speed. It will take about 2 minutes.
At the ideal brown point (mine was 21 minutes), take the buns out and get that cream cheese icing on top ASAP. It will melt into all the cracks and mix with the filling from earlier, making the magic permeate every bite.
Wait 10 minutes for these to cool as they hold the heat well.
And you are done! The icing has melted in, and your grudge is melting away. Maybe you’re even taking responsibility for how you acted and what you said. You realized even if your information was right, the way you handled it totally out of line, and that’s a powerful lesson. Now look at you, learning from mistakes. You took your sad past, and turned it into your happy future.
Or maybe you didn’t learn anything. But, I learned that. Either way, enjoy your culinary handiwork. You earned it.
Join me next week for more Meals and Misfortune.
(Or, check out last week’s delicious disaster!)