Eat Your Feelings
There’s nothing like crying into a bowl of your favorite food.
I’ve had a few false starts in my dating career. My first was in fifth grade when I asked my crush, Jenny, to be my girlfriend. I was hopelessly infatuated, and like Peter Frampton, I needed to know if she felt “like I do.” To my surprise, she said she liked me too, and what ensued were the highest flying six and three quarters days of my life.
During that almost week, I was invincible. Jenny and I talked on the bus, rode bikes through the neighborhood, and even held hands. Scandalous. I daydreamed about our future, about being the rare couple that found true love so young, and could make it last forever. My parents were high school sweethearts, why wouldn’t it work for an ignorantly blissful romantic in love for the first time? Now I realize, I was an idiot.
Back in the early 2000s, AOL Instant Messenger was my version of social media. Nothing could elevate your social status like the combination of AIM and a T-Mobile Sidekick. Not even a Motorola Razr. I wouldn’t get a cell phone for at least another five years, so the only way I could hope to be that cool was by making a perfect AIM profile. The AIM profile was your first online impression, like the clothes of the internet. Good clothes make a good impression, and to me, there was a direct correlation between a good profile, and having a girl like me. I worked hard on my own, including friend shoutouts, song lyrics, and edgy thoughts to get anyone to care. I spent weeks internalizing Jenny’s profile, and months trying to make my own look cool. Spoiler warning; it didn't work. I worshipped at the AIM profile altar, and thought it had paid off by getting to date the girl of my dreams! Instead, I would find my life’s worst embarrassment at the hands of my obsession.
On day six of invulnerability, my best friend, Cameron, messaged me on AIM. He told me to brace myself before looking at Jenny’s profile. I already looked at her profile earlier that day; What could I have missed? But I trusted Cam, and when I clicked in I saw that it had changed completely.
Jenny’s profile had a different color scheme and even font than I had seen just hours ago. I was worried; To my adolescent brain, this was like renovating a house. Jenny had ripped her profile down to the studs, and rebuilt it like a goth nightmare. I was taken aback by the black background, and I was scared to even look at the white words in contrast against it. What I read will stick with me for the rest of my life.
Jenny had written an open letter breaking up with me. She said that while she liked me as a person and as a friend, she never liked me as anything more than that, and only went out with me “to be nice.” Absolutely scandalous. I was devastated. And furious! I knew Cameron had seen it, but imagined everyone else at school finding out my relationship ended before I did. And that it only even existed out of pity. I felt like a rescue dog being returned to the kill shelter. Through tears, I mustered up the courage to chat with Jenny, but I got her away message, “brb, hw.”
I went upstairs and did the only thing I knew how to do; threw some leftover mac and cheese in the microwave, and ate my feelings.
Anyways, here’s my recipe for Mac and Cheese.
Ingredients:
I started with a recipe from Basics with Babish, and changed things based on my tastes. That’s what it’s all about, learning from the greats and making it your own. One thing you have to keep is the mustard. All my friends who don’t like mustard loved it in this case. All two of them.
This involves making a bechamel sauce. If you think that’s too difficult, reread the above story on the heartbreaking misfortune of an 11 year old boy. Realize you can put your grown-up pants on and figure it out. I did it on my first try BY BELIEVING IN MYSELF. You can too.
1 pound dry medium shells pasta
6 oz shredded Parmesan
6 oz shredded Gruyere
6 oz shredded Sharp white cheddar
9 oz shredded Mozzarella
½ cup unsalted butter
½ cup white all purpose flour
4 cups whole milk
1½ Tbsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
2 Tbsp Whole grain mustard
Equipment:
You don’t have one of these things? Improvise. I don’t have a saucepan, I have a dutch oven that is way too large. It was like hanging a painting with a sledgehammer. But I made it work. Figure it out, I’m not a babysitter.
Cheese grater
9” x 13” ceramic baking sheet
Large saucepan
Large pot
2 Large bowl (one must be HEAT PROOF)
Colander
Whisk
Active prep time: 45 minutes
Bake time: 45 minutes
Clean up: 20 minutes
Let’s be real, no one tells you the truth about prep time, OR clean up time. If they did, you’d never embark on the mad journey to make whatever insane treat you think you deserve. A pro might be able to achieve gold medal prep times, but it's ok that you take longer. I’m not a pro, I can’t do four things at once. This is how long each step actually took:
Cooking the shells: 15 minutes
Shredding cheeses: 10 minutes
Making Bechamel: 15 minutes
Bringing it all together: 5 minutes
Baking: 45 minutes
Resting: 10 minutes
Instructions:
Before you begin, conjure up all your feelings about what happened with Jenny. Worried about failure? GOOD. Now you have to succeed. You’re welcome.
Make your pasta shells according to the box. This is where the big ol pot comes in handy. Salt your water at least a little, but you’ll add a good amount to the recipe later so don’t go too heavy.
While you’re waiting on the shells, start shredding the different cheeses into your large bowl. Don’t get so lost in the rhythm of shredding that you forget to stir the shells. You do not want those bad boys burning to the bottom of your pot.
Put the colander in the sink. When the shells are finished cooking, pour them into the colander. Duh.
Finish grating the cheese, if it took you as long as I did. I was grating for a long time. Mix the cheese around so it’s evenly distributed, and SET ASIDE A HALF CUP of the blended cheeses for later. You want this done before you start the...
Bechamel! Get the flour, butter, and milk ready. And while you’re at it, preheat that oven to 375°F.
Put the large saucepan on medium heat, and melt your ½ cup butter. You want to make sure to stir the butter around to avoid any explosions. The butter will start to bubble and foam.
After about three minutes, the bubbly, foaming butter will have white milk solids floating on top. This is when you add in the ½ cup flour. I was terrified I would burn everything, so I whisked in the flour as quickly as possible. Stir it around for another 3 minutes letting the butter and flour make nice and become best buds again after their big fight. They will start to resemble wet sand. Perfect.
Now, this is where I got nervous. Don’t panic, and take your time. You have to add in the 4 cups of milk SLOWLY. Pour in just a bit, and mix it in so all the flour butter mixture absorbs the milk. At first it will start to get thicker, but it will thin out as you add more milk. Keep stirring and SLOWLY adding milk, and you will be golden. I’m not telling what happens if you do it wrong.
When you have fully combined the mixture, it will resemble milk. Imagine that. Now, turn the heat up to medium/high and keep whisking. In about three minutes, this will thicken up a bit, which means you did it! Bechamel legend over here. Look at this guy, Johnny Bechamel. Is that a hockey player? Who cares! Next step!
You’ve made it through hell week. Congratulations, you’re a Mac and Cheese SEAL. But you’re not finished yet, soldier. Your first mission, should you choose to accept it, is to mix the bechamel and cheese in a HEATPROOF bowl, melting all that sauce and cheese into another magical sauce. Whisk it real good. When you’re confident the cheese has blended in at the cool kids party, add in the 1½ tablespoon of salt, teaspoon of black pepper, and 2 tablespoons of whole grain mustard. Add whatever else you want to change the flavor, but you don’t have to. I wouldn’t recommend Gatorade, but I’m not going to ground you. Just keep whisking. Work those forearms. Feel the burn. Now you’ve almost earned it.
Get that 9” x 13” pan and fill it with your shells. Then pour the bechamel on top, and mix it in with the shells. These shells will hold the sauce and be like little butlers delivering delicious flavor to the millionaire in your mouth. Your tongue, I mean. You know what I meant. Now, use that ½ cup of cheese mixture we saved up in step 4 to cover your whole pan in more cheese. Perfect, you did it. Pat yourself on the back. Who cares what happened with Jenny? You got this.
Place that pan of cheesy gold in the oven on the middle rack for 45 minutes. Now buckle up, because you can’t relax yet. DO YOUR DISHES YOU SLOB. Ok, I get it. I didn’t know you were already doing them. I just think it’s important to clean. Sorry. Jeez.
45 minutes ago, you were a baby, a know-nothing who thought you bit off more than you could chew. Now look at you. You used a fancy french word, became a Mac and Cheese SEAL, and cleaned dishes on your way to the top of cheese mountain. Sit back on your throne of cheese, you earned it. If you can, try and wait 10 minutes for everything to settle and not melt your face. Then call the Jenny in your life! Tell them you aren’t a failure! You are a Mac and Cheese millionaire. Be the bigger person, and offer Jenny a bite. She could be in a bad place, and maybe she needs a friend. She definitely needs some mac and cheese. We all do.
I hope you learned something today. No matter what happens, you can be a success. Don’t dwell on the negative; learn from it. Turn tragedy into a treat. Turn failure into food. Turn your misfortune into a meal.
